7 Deadly Sins: Envy

Ahh, envy. The least fun of all the vices, it's also the least likely to ever be confessed. Even though we often use phrases like, "I envy you" and "I'm so jealous," they're superficial words that we use to express something closer to, "wow, that sounds like a really nice situation!" When we really start to dig into what envy means, we start to realize that it's not like our cultural values of "greed is good" and "sex sells." Even in America, envy is always ugly.

So, what is envy? In youth group, we started with some definitions simply because academic and theological discussions make some distinctions in terminology that could make further research a little hairy- unless you know the terms! Though the definitions aren't required for our discussions, you might still be interested to know that academically:

• Jealousy - The fear of losing something that you feel already belongs to you.
• Covetousness - The desire for that which is not yours and is not meant to be yours; covetousness is rooted in desire to possess or own the object/person, regardless of how many others might also own such a thing.
• Envy - The desire for that which is not yours and the begrudging of the person who actually possesses it; envy is focused on the distribution of goods, not just in the owning of said "good" (the "good" could be a person, a skill, an object, etc.), and the envious person is willing to harm another in order to achieve their goal.

These three definitions more or less fit into the sin "envy." On the envy virtue/vice continuum, you have

Envy ---- Contentment ----- Complacency

We did things a little differently in youth group for this sin, and I'll show the quotes, situations, or phrases in bold, and then put our discussion after them. So without further ado:

Wanting to be someone you are not is a waste of the person you are. - Kurt Cobain

The secular view of envy is that it can be advisable depending on what sort of actions it encourages. The sacred view is surprisingly closer to that of Nirvana's front-man because we are not called to use someone else's life as a measuring stick for our own; we're called to use God's plan for us as our guide. Even if envy causes you to become a well respected doctor, if God created you to be a farmer or a pastor or a _____, you are choosing to NOT fill the necessary role for which you were created. You are, in effect, choosing to make it harder for God's perfect kingdom to exist. And you've replaced what is best, what is perfect, with what is only good, showing a lack of trust and gratitude for God's provision and plan for your life.

Chariots of Fire

Liddell and Abrams are both lauded for their achievements in the movie, but they show an important distinction in motivation. Striving for excellence that comes with recognition and status isn't necessarily envy (or pride), but your satisfaction with what you've accomplished depends on your reasons for doing so. Abrams envied the respect and recognition that came with winning; he wouldn't run if he didn't think he could win. He feared the idea of someone else taking that place, and even when he won, he didn't feel secure. Liddell also achieved greatness, but he wasn't running solely to win. He ran because he felt God's pleasure when doing so, and his excellence was a result of doing what made him feel close to God. And it's worth noting that his gold medal came in an event that he wasn't originally scheduled to compete in- he ran a longer race because he refused to compromise his convictions and run the trials for his chosen event on the Sabbath.

Cinderella and Snow White

These Disney princesses are classic victims of envy. The evil queen literally poisoned Snow White because she envied her beauty, while Cinderella's step sisters feared that her beauty and charm would outshine their own; they locked her up in order to keep her from having a shot at the man they wanted to claim for themselves. The point to make here is that envy stems from a sense of worthlessness or inferiority, of being less than the person you envy; you don't envy those that you feel are beneath your status or worth. The biggest problem with this is that it denies that there's value and beauty in being different- any difference is simply being better or worse than the other person, rather than acknowledging and being grateful for the fact that we all have different roles and skills.

Comparison is the thief of joy - Theodore Roosevelt

Envy requires comparison- your sense of self-worth is bound up in whether your position in life is better off or worse off than someone else. But since there will always be someone better looking, smarter, richer, more popular, etc. than you, falling into envy's trap of relative worth (comparison) is a zero-win game.

Plastic Praise, Ulterior Motives, and "One-up"Manship

These are three ways you can spot envy. Plastic praise is when you try to bring down another person's contributions or attributes (like the backhanded compliment or the "she's great, but..." compliment). Ulterior motives, of course, mean denying another person's good works or character by assigning a negative motivation to it (you can see this in the comments about Odin Lloyd's mother, Ursula Ward, who forgave her son's murderer, Aaron Hernandez). And we are all familiar with the person who has to "one-up" every story or accomplishment ("You got into college? That's great! Did I tell you about the 4 Ivy League schools I was accepted into?").

You've finally gotten the opportunity to direct your school's fall play! This is the highest honor your theater department could give you, and after three years of learning the ropes and never missing a practice, you can't wait to show everyone how great the production will be with you at the helm. That is, until the new kid shows up that first day having directed not one, but TWO fall plays at his old school. He's undeniably talented, probably more so than you are, and your department's chair asks you to co-direct the play with him. How could they be so unjust as to just hand him a co-director title when you've put in so much work to get there???

Envy often hides itself in the idea of justness or fairness in an attempt to make your feelings OK (i.e. "He's not the nicest person, so he doesn't deserve those skills" or "I'd be even better than her if I'd only had the opportunity." Envy makes us forget that God doesn't give us all the same skills and opportunities because he hasn't created us all for the same role. The biblical parable that goes along with this idea can be found in Matthew chapter 20, when the vineyard workers all receive the same wage after having worked very different amounts of time. Though the original workers would have been very happy with their promised wage, they envy the same wage being offered to someone they feel is less deserving of it.

Whenever you go over to your friend's house, her home is spotless, her mom has baked cookies, and their walls are lined with their family's smiling faces standing in front of World Heritage sites. Your mom, on the other hand, never spontaneously bakes you cookies- she works long hours, and your family never has the money to take big vacations. You know your mom loves you and she tries her best, but you begin to feel frustrated at the opportunities your friend has that you don't. One night when you get home from your friend's house, your mom asks you to do the dishes and you just let loose, telling her in no uncertain terms what you think about your life- or lack thereof.

Envy breeds discontentment with what you have, and discontentment breeds resentment. Resentment at its most basic form is ingratitude, and especially in this instance, is very hurtful to the one who is trying her best to provide for you (the same could be said of God in the bigger picture). If the two most important commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself, it's not hard to see that resentment (and the envy that started it) harm our ability to love. Extra credit for recognizing that resentment and envy put a fog over your ability to see that your current situation is a training ground for future accomplishments.

Kiley feels called to go into counseling, and she decides to go for her Master's Degree in family therapy. Her sister-in-law, Elisa, has always been more academically successful than her- and she suddenly starts question her decision to NOT attend graduate school (even though she has always said that she wouldn't apply for grad school unless she had a clear reason to). Elisa decides she WILL find and be accepted into a PhD program that would interest her, even though she was happy with her life before finding out Kiley's news. Is this envy?

You bet it is! Elisa is attempting to undermine Kiley's achievements by making her own achievements bigger and better. She allows the fear of being seen as "less than" make her discontent, and envy unbalanced the perceived scales of acknowledgement. And when we talk about envy being willing to harm another in order to be "better than" or to have the good/skill/person they so desire, it's not always about maliciously attacking or sabotaging them: sometimes it can be intentionally outshining them, intentionally making them appear or feel second best. When your goal is to have more ____ than someone else, you can bet than envy's got its claws in you.

Haters Gonna Hate

There are two types of envy: that of a particular person (I envy Susie her ____) and that of a whole group (I envy those trust fund babies). Sometimes envy begins in one category and seeps into another, and sometimes they can be kept completely separate. But you can bet that once you've allowed one to go unchecked, you will find more and more people or reasons to envy than you had to begin with!

 

Complacency vs. Contentment

   

 Complacency: self-satisfaction, especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. It's a form of willful blindness.

Contentment: gratitude for the blessings you've received and focus on the good in your current situation (even if you'd be happy not to stay there forever). For reference: Phil. 4:11-13. 

So how do we cultivate the virtue of contentment?

• Call your sins out for what they are- envy is the least likely of the sins to be confessed, which makes it almost impossible to treat!
• Remember that envy is like rust- it eats away at something until you barely even have the shell of what was once good and whole.
• Also remember that looking on someone and admiring them in such a way that you use them as a role model is not envy. Mother Theresa, for example, can help show us a way to live out our faith in love- wanting to BE her or to outshine her example, however, crosses over into the envy category.
• Philippians 2:3-4: Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourself, look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Want to stop envy? Focus on your own wants a little bit less!
• Intentionally do something good for a person you envy- something that CANNOT be traced back to you, so there can be no sense of personal gain in it
• Spend some time doing something that brings you joy without seeking after accolade (like running because you feel God’s pleasure when you do, not because you want the medal)
• Cultivate a desire for things that are best shared (not things that are only good when “owned” by a few)
• Rather than focus on what you lack, think through what you do have- touch on each and every thing, and say something positive about it.
• Take some time to reevaluate where you get your worth. And don't just pay lip service to what you know are the expected answers!
• Romans 12:9-10 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Give credit and praise to others as much as you possibly can!
• Remember the biblical example of Jonathan and David- if anyone had a right to hate David, it was Jonathan, not Saul. But Jonathan loved and supported him instead of envying his position and popularity.
• Remember that envy does not follow the commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves. And as 1 John 4:8 points out: Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

 

7 Deadly Sins: Greed

Greed:
n. noun
1. An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth. 

See also: fear

Simply put, this sin can be summed up in the phrase "greed is fear, wrapped in gold, disguised as fun." Greed looks good, and as a society, we're taught that continual acquisition is a great idea- both for our own pleasure and for the sake of the economy, as well.  But greed is more than just the "gimme gimme" or desire for what you've never had (or had enough of);  greed can also take the form of miserliness/stinginess, desire for what you've already renounced (like the monks desiring the things they left behind), and also a fear of poverty or lack of faith in God's provision.

When I think through those reasons for greed, I find I can sympathize with all of them. Who hasn't wanted something new and improved, or regretted something they got rid of? And I can certainly think of times when I've tried to justify keeping something I knew I didn't need because I was afraid I might want it again (and not be able to find a suitable replacement). But taking a look at why greed is a deadly sin can help us understand the difference between sound judgement on possessions and when our decisions cross into the desert of greed.

Why greed is bad:

• It replaces trust in God with trust in money (forgetting that all gifts come from God in the first place). It tells God, "I don't trust you enough to consider you 'enough.'"
• Study after study shows that greed increases fear, worry, a sense of entitlement, selfish behavior, aggressiveness, and bragging (the link is just one example, and yes, it's another TED Talk)
•  We forget that money can't and doesn't ensure wisdom, knowledge, health, love, or ANY of the things that really matter
• It distracts us from the things that actually make us happy (like being so focused on what your possessions convey about how cool/rich/etc. you are, you have less time to focus on the friends who truly make you laugh no matter what you look like)
• We're distracted from the bigger issues facing our world (Define Necessity is a great series that presents stark contrasts, such as our concern that we have the perfect place settings for Thanksgiving and the child who's starving for a few more crumbs of food)
• We lose sight of the immense environmental impact our consumption creates (google "environmental destruction" if you need a visual)
• It changes what's a "want" into a "need."
• Trying to fulfill greed's demands will only increase those demands, rather than satisfying them: "He who is not satisfied with what he has now will never be satisfied with what he wishes to have."

 

 So if trying to satisfy greed's demands doesn't work, what does? The virtue that corresponds with greed is:

Liberality/Generosity

The old-fashioned word is liberality, and I wanted to include it because it shares a root with liberation and freedom. Generosity is freedom from the control of possessions. It doesn't mean you have nothing, it means you have the right things for your life (not the life of a character you admire, not your fantasy life, not the life other people tell you you *should* live). And it means being willing to let go of everything else, trusting that God will provide. 

Before we talk about what generosity looks like, let's take a minute to explore what generosity is not. Let's talk about greed might actually look like. Our society values it in ways you can't really appreciate until you've explored other cultures (it often doesn't even look like greed until you see how other cultural perspectives treat the same type of situation), but we might find greed when we:

• Have more than our needs. I cannot stress how important this perspective is. It doesn't mean you can only have your most basic needs, but knowing the solid, most basic list changes your perspective. Your basic physical needs include weather appropriate clothing (something to wear and something to wash for each season in your climate), a form of protective shelter (remember: a camper can fit the bill as well as a mansion), enough food to get you through your next meal or shopping trip and a way to prepare those foods, a form of transportation (which may or may not include access to a car), and the tools you need to feel challenged and entertained (like a library card, for example:) ).
• Forget the above list and confuse needs with wants
• Forget to say thanks for the privileges you already have.
• Follow trends for the sake of being "current" (try asking yourself if you’ll still like that thing even if no one else is still wearing/using it)
• Follow lifestyle media, trying to “trade up” or upgrade
• Refuse to share something because it might get broken/lost/etc.
• Buy something you “want” without thinking about the role it’ll play in your life (forgetting that possessions are tools)
• Make important choices based solely on monetary concerns (i.e. your career)- a great counter example of greed is Bob Goff, a lawyer, who chose his lucrative career with the goal of doing good in the world. He uses his excess salary to fund his non-profits, and he donated 100% of the proceeds of his New York Times bestselling book.
• Shop for entertainment. Why do we do this in our culture? At the end of WWII, our country had achieved a productivity that outpaced our material needs. Enter Victor Lebow, an economist who ushered in our consumerist society. This quote pretty much sums up his theology (and our current society): 

"Our enormously productive economy demands that we make consumption our way of life, that we convert the buying and use of goods in to ritual, that we eek our spiritual satisfaction, our ego satisfaction, in consumption. We need things consumed, burned up, replaced, and discarded at an ever accelerating rate."

• Buy something to demonstrate a quality you want to stress
• Talk a lot about things that need to be changed, but our money never makes it where our mouths go

If that list shows what greed might look like, let's explore a list of what generosity might look like:

• Treating your possessions as if you’re a caretaker, not an owner (realizing you have to answer to the owner for all your decisions)
• Focusing on contentment- be grateful for what you have, don’t try to seek more; avoid lifestyle creep (avoid malls, online “comparison” shopping, looking at catalogs, etc.)
• Setting aside money to give away. Do it in cash, so you're always ready to answer a nudge from God about any situation He might put in front of you (the story I told in youth group is too long for a bulleted list, but feel free to ask me about it!)
• Donating possessions and not just as justification to purchase the newer version
• Giving happily, no matter how much (or little)
• Sharing what you have- with siblings, friends, neighbors, strangers (www.newdream.org is a great place to explore what that could look like in a more formal way!)
• Practicing detachment from money, possessions, activities- enjoy it while you have it, but be willing to give it up when prompted
• Donating blood or signing up as an organ donor, etc.
• Deciding to live in a more minimalist way in order to give more
• Setting aside time for service (so it's not just all about you all day long)
• Choosing your career with more thought to what God wants, rather than what gives you the most money or perks
• Creating frugal habits in order to give more
• Requesting charitable donations for birthday “gifts”
• Tithing (and then giving even more!)
• Looking for new ways to help others. Be creative!
• Setting aside time to actually express your gratitude- you might find it by cutting back on tv/media!
• Intentionally cultivating a skill to help others- if you see a need you want to fill but can’t fill yet, work on it for the future (not all generosity needs to happen right now!)
• Providing your skills for free, rather than charging for them- or follow the Mennonite or Keralan models, and charge only what you need to charge to keep going, rather than what the market tells you could charge.

Looking at our two lists, which do you feel fits your life more closely? Can you commit to moving more towards our generosity list? You could try adding one form of generosity to your life this upcoming week, and if you find you feel less burdened by your possessions and wants, you might add another form in the future. Be creative. But more importantly, listen for God's voice- both in what He wants you to let go of and what He wants you to add. Work on trusting Him and see if He's not faithful to provide!

Two final quotes to make you think:

“Most of the mess that is called history comes about because kings and presidents cannot be satisfied with a nice chicken and a good loaf of bread.”
― Jennifer Donnelly, Revolution

and

Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers.

-William Wordsworth,  poet

7 Deadly Sins: Lust

Our second deadly sin is certainly easy for us to remember- after all, "sex sells!" Advertising aside, lust has a lot in common with gluttony- both are based off of an important biological need, but they've then taken that impulse and twisted into something harmful rather than good. It's a sin of letting your urges control you, overrunning your logic and conscience.

So what is that so dangerous?

• Lust makes sex into a god, elevating sex and the pursuit of sex into the purpose of our existence. It’s pleasure as an idol, instead of rightly recognized as a gift from God. 
•  It’s putting our wants before someone else’s NEEDS, like the need to be in a passionate AND fulfilling relationship. We turn people into objects of desire- desirable, yes, but they’re still objects, not multi-faceted people. 
• And when we put lust above all else, we run the risk of harming friendships, having a me-first attitude, and acting in ways that we will regret. Think “Bull in a china shop.” The oxytocin rush we get when we “fall in love” is like a drug- it can be addicting if you don’t know how to keep it in check, and if you’re not aware of its potential influence, it can encourage you to do things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later on. And this is just the “love” chemical- not the hormones that get raging when your body picks up cues that baby-making might be in the near future. 
• Worst of all, it doesn’t actually satisfy our sexual urges- if anything, it’s adding fuel to the unsatisfied fire. Seeking after a thrill almost always requires an even bigger or different thrill in the future (after all, thrills become boring when they’re commonplace).

So to help us figure out what a good sexual response might be, we should start with the question: What’s the purpose of sex?

• Procreation- This is certainly not the be all, end all of sex, but sex is the only physical act that has this potential outcome. And even if you don't intend to make a baby (or can't), forgetting that sex can and often does have procreation as a result cheapens the importance or seriousness of it. Sex is not a form of entertainment equivalent to watching a movie!
• Pleasure- Biologically speaking, sex is meant to feel good. If you believe that we are created and designed by God, and part of that creation includes pleasure sensors, then it follows that God also intended sex to be pleasurable. So if it's not fun, you need to review why (and how) you're having it.
• Connectedness/bonding- The two become one flesh. Even secular songs sing about loving someone forever- we have a deep desire to be bonded with another who knows your barest parts and loves you anyways. Sexual acts are some of the most intimate, soul-connecting things you can do with another person.

Lust also has 3 parts, or forms, but the thing to note are that all of them are focused on directing sexual energy at the wrong person, or at the wrong time- or for the wrong reason. It's also important to remember that temptation is different than sin- or as Thomas Merton said, you can’t stop the birds from flying overhead, but you can stop them from building a nest in your hair.

Thoughts: “It’s not the first look that gets us in trouble.” – Billy Graham.

It’s not the first thought that gets us in trouble, either. An errant, “Wow, she’s hot!” about a stranger isn’t lust. But dwelling on that attractiveness, imagining what a sex life with her would be like, creating images in your head about what it would be like… well, now we’ve moved far past an errant thought! You can be completely celibate and still be a raging lust machine in your head.

Sexual thoughts are not necessarily bad. But when they're not directed in appropriate ways, they can jeopardize your relationships and/or change your goals. Some sexual thoughts that always require you to take a step back include: someone you don’t know/won’t know (like a celebrity), someone you do know but can’t have (such as a teacher or someone married), someone who isn’t your spouse or spouse-to-be (you're getting ahead of yourself here!), something that would be an unpleasant sexual experience for the other person, or a fantasy that is meant only to create further lustful thoughts/actions, instead of satisfaction or connection (like watching porn).

It’s important to remember that the problem of dwelling on sexualized images, for example, is that we’re not really concerned with the other person’s greater good, their thoughts and goals and faith and family. We’ve turned them into what amounts to an object that gratifies our sexual desires. And any time we dehumanize someone by turning them into an object, we dehumanize a part of ourselves, too.

Words: Indulging in a little verbal “word play” seems pretty innocent. Words are powerful, though, especially since they can stir up the thoughts and encourage actions. Indiscriminate flirting, sexting, reading hyper-sexualized books/articles, and discussing sexual exploits might seem simple enough- you’re not actually acting on them, so what’s the harm? First- remember that the more we put something in front of us, the more “normalized” it becomes. The more you talk about or read things that encourage specific types of sexuality, the more it seems like everyone is doing it and doing it in that way (even if they’re not and even if you wouldn't have given it a passing thought otherwise). Second, words often involve another person, which means that it’s no longer just about your reactions. Your job as a Christian, in all areas of life, is to love your neighbor as yourself- which also means not causing unnecessary distress and frustration. When your words might create longings in someone else that you can’t both feel 100% good about them satisfying, you’ve created unnecessary angst or suffering in the world, even if it’s on a miniscule scale. And I can't think of a single bible verse that tells you to make another person miserable.

Actions: This is the obvious one, right? Lust takes physical form- Sexual acts, ranging from sending graphic pictures to the act of intercourse, require an intentional movement from thought to completion. Sometimes lustful actions are thought out for a long period of time, sometimes they’re completely impulsive- but for you to engage in them, you have to be a willing participant (key note: if you're not a willing participant, YOU are not engaging in lust). Assuming consent, your brain has moved from just the thought of doing something to the act of doing it. What distinguishes good sex from lust is that it doesn't keep those original three purposes in mind- lust is trying to fulfill an animalistic urge for pleasure and nothing else. It might show up as abuse, incest, adultery, rape, or, more commonly, sexual acts without thought for the long-term consequences (physical, emotional, or spiritual) or sex without the commitment of marriage (Why? You’re focusing on the pleasure, rather than worrying about the bond it creates).

We often talk about Christian repression of sexuality, as though any urge we have is a good one to pursue and denial of those urges makes us Christians into sex-fearing prudes. But is that fair? When we let sexual urges take over, unchecked, what might we end up with? One night stands that turned into not-so-loving marriages or co-parenting gigs, sexual abuse, STDs that maybe can be treated (we've come a long way from STDs being death sentences, but they're not all curable), Anthony Weiner, Bill Clinton, "johns" who buy sex, teachers who have sex with students, Samson (and Delilah), David (and Bathsheba), Solomon (and his 1000+ wives and concubines). When we look at some of the above examples, can we agree that there are times when sexual desire needs to be repressed a bit? I think so!

But what is right sexuality? What is lust's virtue?

Chastity:

Chastity is not a fear of sex, not frigidity or passionless-ness, not even necessarily celibacy- it’s knowing that there’s a right place and a right time for the passion of sex, and working with your natural desires within that framework. It’s a work of heart, rather than a set of rules (because again, when God controls your life, you are willing to bend with His desires rather than cram yourself into someone else’s mold).

So how do you practice chastity when temptation threatens to overwhelm you?

• Remember that temptation, longing, and desire are a part of life- it’s what you do with it that matters!
• Redirect your thoughts! When you find yourself struggling with desires that can’t be appropriately fulfilled right at this point in time, distract yourself. One recovering sex addict has encouraged others to try something along the lines of, “Wow, that’s a beautiful woman! Thank you, God, for making such a beautiful woman. I love you, God. I also love my wife. I love my children. I love my home that I share with them. I really enjoy gardening in my back yard…” And by that point, he’s distracted himself enough that he’s no longer thinking about the woman who would have triggered his lust and inappropriateness in the past. Thomas Merton, a celibate monastic, discussed desire for someone as being like looking at a piece of art. You can appreciate it, you can be glad it was created, but you don’t feel the need to possess it, to have it be yours alone.
• Pursue other passions- you can’t get rid of things you don’t want in your life simply by squashing them until they no longer exist; like Hydra, they have a way of coming back in even worse ways. Instead, you need to replace them with other things you DO want! Build up, rather than tearing down. Or, as Phillipians 4:8 tells us: Focus on what’s good and right and pure and holy. When your life is filled with good things, you don’t miss the not-so-good.
• Song of Songs 8:4- Don’t awaken or arouse love before it’s time. Intentionally pursuing sexual thoughts and actions before they can be sated is a recipe for misery and hypocrisy. For every kind of sin, the more you think about doing it, the more likely you are to actually do it. For lust, this might mean avoiding certain tv shows, certain websites, or certain kinds of music. The key to success here? You have to actually want to avoid these issues- if you’re not sure, lust will creep back in.
• Ask yourself: What am I willing to sacrifice in order to achieve my pleasure fix?  Does pursuig my desire hurt someone else? In-person situations require thinking through possible outcomes (not just of this act, but of the relationship potential in general). When you’re looking at sexualized images or listening to songs, etc., ask yourself “Is this something I would be proud of my cousin for doing? Do I think he’s fulfilling his highest calling? Or would I try to talk my friends out of doing something similar?” If you wouldn’t support someone you know and love doing it, then why are you supporting (by watching) someone else’s friend/child/cousin doing it?
• Spend a little time thinking about how you can have the best “sexual life” possible for the stage of life you’re in now. Invite God into this conversation- what would be the best way to honor His gift of both passionate urges and sexual pleasure? If you’re dating someone, what might chastity look like? If you’re single, what how might it play out? Once you’ve thought about values you want to hold tight, take action- maybe you tell a friend that you don’t want to keep rehashing her dates, maybe you install a filter on your computer to bar certain sites or images, or find a very trustworthy accountabilibuddy to help you think through some issues. Remember, this isn't about not having any emotions or passions- it's about making sure they don't assert control over you. Once you've made sure you have a God-reinforced framework, you can let loose and enjoy!

Scenarios (think them through- are they examples of lust or chastity? Answer key at the bottom- feel free to disagree with it if you like, as long as you think through WHY you disagree!):

1. Your chest tightens up and you feel butterflies in your stomach- maybe, just maybe, today that cutie will actually come and ask your name rather than just smile at you from across the room.
2. Beep, Beep, Beep! You’ve got another text from your boyfriend, detailing, explicitly, all the ways he’ll kiss you (or more) the next time he sees you. Maybe you’ll step into the hall to read this one, just in case mom looks over your shoulder!
3. 50 Shades of Gray
4. You’ve been dating this girl and you think she might be “the one.” You’ve even started to look at rings. As you imagine your future together, you’re VERY much looking forward to a future wedding night!
5. You’ve got a new crush. He’s not like your last crush- this one is Mr. Perfect! You know you share at least some common interests or else you wouldn’t have met, so you’re pretty sure you’d be a great match. You imagine the specifics of dating, getting married, having kids; you think about him all the time, talk about (but not to) him all the time. Maybe someday he’ll ask you out!
6. Your otherwise normal dream shifts and suddenly you’re doing things with that hottie that you would NOT be doing with her in real life.
7. You’re bored in class and so you start daydreaming about that explicit sex dream you had last night.
8. After an excellent date, you find yourself remembering what your goodnight kiss felt like.
9. Your friend left their browser open when you came over- and you notice a bit more nudity on the screen than you’re used to seeing. You find yourself shifting your neck a bit in order to catch another glimpse.
10. Your boyfriend got into a car accident, and has some pretty severe injuries. He will likely walk with a limp for the rest of his life, and he's got some big scars. You decide that it doesn’t matter what he looks like, you’ve been so impressed with how he’s dealt with this tragedy that you’re not going anywhere.

 1. Chastity (Every relationship starts somewhere- and excitement is NOT a sin!) 2. Lust (Can you feel 100% good about following through on what he's suggesting? Probably not, if you're hiding it from Mom.) 3. Lust (The entire series is meant to stir up sexual desires with some rather explicit imagery). 4. Chastity (This is an example of passion and desire in the right context- there's nothing wrong with passionate urges, they just need to be fulfilled at the right time) 5. Lust (You're not seeing him as a whole human, nor are you taking the time to find out what HE wants- he's become an object for your fantasy future) 6. Chastity (Assuming you're not intentionally trying to stir them up, even the early church fathers didn't see sex dreams as sin, no matter what happens in them; you don't have full control over your mental state when you're asleep) 7. Lust (You've moved from unintentional to intentional- and you're probably daydreaming about things that wouldn't be 100% OK to fulfill at this stage in life) 8. Chastity (Assuming that goodnight kiss was with someone appropriate!) 9. Lust (You're intentionally seeking another look, right? And you're doing it covertly, so you're probably aware that it's not good sexuality; it's pursuing the single story and turning him/her into an object). 10. Chastity (You're seeing him as more than just a source of potential sexual pleasure, and honoring his whole person)

There are lots of variations on those scenarios- they're really just to get you thinking, and hopefully avoiding the lust-frigidity dichotomy! After all, if sexuality was only ever fun when it's new or potentially going to get you in trouble, there wouldn't really be any reason for people to seek out marriage, would there? And remember: you shouldn't fear sex or passion or desire, nor worry that simply having an inappropriate thought is a sin- it's what you do with them that counts! God gave us sex and an interest in it for a reason- but just as you wouldn't put a candy cane in an Easter basket, some gifts have a best time and place. :)

Please take the next couple minutes and think through the final question in the "suggestions" bullet points- What would a good, God-honoring sexuality look like for you at this point in your life? You can use the following 5 Minutes of God Time song as your background:

A Thousand Years (Christina Perri cover by The Piano Guys)

7 Deadly Sins: Gluttony

We're finishing out our year with a unit on the 7 Deadly Sins and their corresponding virtues. But first, a brief introduction:

The first thing to know about virtues and vices is that they exist on a continuum- the healthy virtue we seek is in the middle between two vices, neither of which will do us (or anyone else) any good. As the early church founders narrowed the vices down into the 7 deadly (or "root") vices, they chose the vice that dominated each vice continuum. They aren't the most common or even the "worst" sins- they are the thoughts behind the actions (which is why the word "thought" is often used in place of vice or sin in literature on this topic). Think about it like you're pruning a tree- you can lop off a specific action/sin, say, no longer watching movies that have gratuitous sex scenes in them, but if you don't address why you've been so interested in those movies in the first place, you'll likely just find another sin to take its place.

Now let's head all the way back to the start: we can trace writings on the 7 deadly sins/vices to within a few hundred years of Jesus' death. Many of the early church fathers and mothers went out to the desert to have time dedicated to finding God. But many also struggled as Abba Anthony struggled- he had renounced wealth, honor, status, relationships, and comfort to live in the desert and know God. And he found that no matter how hard he tried, his thoughts kept going back to his previous life, keeping him from the mystical experience he had laid them aside to find. He realized that he had a second renunciation to undergo, and that his thoughts mattered. He couldn’t pray if he didn’t take them seriously, and he was struggling to move forward. So he began to train himself to notice his thoughts, laying them out and examining them, rather than resisting them. Opening the thoughts to scrutiny, he began to master them, quiet them, and finally start to experience God.

Individual thoughts are important, but a passing thought can come and go and just thinking it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sin. Abba Anthony and those who followed him became interested in when idle brain "chatter" began to take on themes. One thought about sex doesn't mean you're filled with lust. Fifteen thoughts about sex might begin to tell us patterns of where your brain is trying to take you. Thoughts that are dwelt upon become desires. Desires that are dwelt upon become passions, which become actions. Good thoughts often spur more good thoughts and good actions, which become virtues. Bad thoughts become bad desires, which often then become vices. It's about allowing an urge or a thought to become a habit, or a part of our character.

 

It's important to remember that we're not trying to become moral hypochondriacs, analyzing ourselves to death (or insanity)- but a little more introspection can help us figure out why we’re struggling so much with certain issues that just seem to linger. Looking into the wisdom of the 7 deadly sins (or vices or thoughts) helps us to identify patterns and strands of sin that corrupt our lives without us realizing it- and we name them for the same reason it's important to name our blessings. The more aware we are, the better we can act!

So why should we care so much? Vices eat away at our ability to see things clearly, appreciate things as we ought, or  live in healthy relationship with others; they are destructive to the goodness in our lives. They are addictions- and the simplest definition for addiction is anything we regularly use to try to take the place that can be filled by God (or God’s gifts) alone.

Virtues, on the other hand, are what make our lives sing. They are living in proper relationship to those around us, in ways that make everything right. And they are as possible to acquire as vices are! There’s a difference, though, between acting according to virtue and acting OUT of virtue. It's the difference between constantly struggling to do right vs. acting rightly without thinking, because it's who you are! The good news is that the more you try to do right, the more it becomes a part of your character- and the easier it becomes to do right in the future. And you can probably already think of times when you've done this before.

Gluttony:

Gluttony is the focus on one’s own pleasure to exclusion of everything else- it's not just how much or even what you’re eating, it’s about relationships and intent. Food is meant to be enjoyed- it’s one of the reasons we have taste buds. But food is also meant for nourishment and for building relationships, and gluttony doesn't give much thought to either of those reasons.

Gluttony dulls our appreciation for what we have, who we’re consuming it with, and our gratitude for the God who provided both the food and the ability to enjoy it. It twists those values until it's all about the consumer and what he or she wants at this VERY moment.

There are 5 forms of gluttony to consider, though we usually only think of one:

FRESH

Fastidiously/Daintily: Being too particular in what you eat. You may use good manners, you may not eat too much- but the focus is still on getting EXACTLY what you want, or else; you're not concerned with how it makes your host feel. This type of gluttony could be sending your meal back to the kitchen, twice, because it's still not perfect- or it could be requiring something different or less than what's being offered to you (and not because you're not feeling well).

Ravenously/Greedily: Eating as much as you can of something you like, just in case it’s not there when you go back for more- even past the point of fullness! For example, eating a piece of cake, even though you're not particularly interested in it, because otherwise your brother will eat it. It also includes taking large helpings, no matter how many people are in line behind you, because YOU want to eat that thing. It’s a very childish way to eat, because it’s inconsiderate of others; it actively seeks to keep good things from others, even if you're not conscious of that as a motive.

Excessively: Too much! The classic glutton, this is eating too much even if it’ll make you sick! These would be the capital people in the Hunger Games; you might relate when you think about how you eat during the holidays. This glutton, however, does this regularly- not just during the once-a-year celebrations.

Sumptuously: Eating the richest, most fattening and delicious foods ever- all. the. time. A scroll through the Pinterest food and drink category is full of sumptuous recipes; the point of this type of gluttony is that if it tastes good, you need more of it. There is no consideration of whether it’s healthy for you, giving you needed nutrition, or whether there are any sort of social justice ramifications to it.

Hastily: This form of gluttony can also be called “the shoveler.” Stuffing it all in as quickly as possible, it’s gluttony without the good stuff. It might be gluttony with fear (in case it disappears!), but it also includes mindless eating, like inattentive snacking.

So how do we counter it? First, we remember that eating is a physical need- an urge that we will have again and again and again in our lives. Nothing we do will make it go away as long as we live, so there’s no one time cure-all. Second, we need to remember WHY we eat- for connection (both social and spiritual), for nutrition, AND for pleasure. There is no hard and fast rule or diet to tell us how and what to eat. The pregnant lady is going to eat differently from the two year old, who will eat differently from the Olympic athlete.  So the virtue is TEMPERANCE.

Temperance

Perhaps the oldest sounding virtue, basically it means moderation. It takes the long view of eating. And it includes all of the following:

Feasts: Jesus’ first recorded miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding celebration! It’s good to have feast days, and certainly you shouldn’t count every calorie you eat to make sure that you are ONLY eating what you need to survive to your next meal and nothing else. That puts an excessive focus on food- gluttony isn’t just the actual eating, but also the pattern of thought that goes into it. Obsessive focus on food is a form of gluttony, whether it's about consuming too much or barely enough.

Fasting: It’s also good to have plain, simple meals- and to pay attention to what you’re consuming, so you know that you are, in fact, giving your body the fuel it requires to function well. Christians throughout history also include actual fasts- both from food in general and individual items, in order to fully appreciate them. This is also a really good way to figure out what controls you- how hard is it for you to give it up, even for a week or a month? Another thing to note: people who regularly practice fasting from food report that they feel clearer headed, light, healthy, and refreshed- they don’t view it as a sacrifice, they view it as enlightening and a worthwhile tool.

Social responsibility: Moderation based on the specific situation. Food is a great way to connect people- it’s one of the reasons that scripture has Jesus teaching at so many dinners! That also means that you subordinate your specific desires in order to properly enjoy that time together- Don’t eat meat but your hosts do? Don’t make a big show of it- just quietly pick it out or choose the salad. Your food isn’t organic? Doesn’t look particularly appetizing? Try to remember that it’s rarely just about the food itself, and adjust your standards to best honor God and your hosts.

Gratitude: Temperance includes a mindfulness of how it’s even possible to be putting that bite of chicken in your mouth- who created the chicken? Gave you the ability to buy it? Thought up the idea of taste buds that can happily determine the difference between barbeque sauce and honey mustard? In both fasting and feasting, giving thanks to God is the best way to truly enjoy your food in the right way.

Note: The opposite end of this virtue/vice continuum is the inability to enjoy food (think, perhaps, anorexia, or the scientist who severely restricted his calorie intake in the hopes that it would help him live longer).

5 Minutes of God Time: The Mission/How Great Thou Art by The Piano Guys

READY Unit Part 3

So this Sunday's video and discussion was perhaps a bit harder than the previous, and I want to take a moment to remind you all of something I think is VERY important to remember, but that I perhaps don't stress as much as I should:

I don't expect you to have all the answers and I don't expect you to 100% understand everything we discuss.

I really, really don't! We talk about some deep things in youth group BECAUSE I don't expect you to have spent much time thinking through them before this- though I always offer the opportunity for input if you already have. These are things that all of us will spend the rest of our lives trying to puzzle out. The point of faith is never to feel like you understand every nuance and every possible outcome of a situation or a question- the point is to be engaged in it, searching for God in every moment of your life. And the beautiful thing is that you WILL figure some things out, and that God won't leave you to plateau with that revelation. He'll give you some new insight to puzzle over; you get to keep growing your entire life, or at least, as long as you're willing to grow.

So we talk about these things to give you a start, to help you think, to help you explore- what are the impacts of your own life? What are your passions and what are your gifts and what are your struggles? Sunday was a discussion of struggle- and when we pick up again in a few weeks, we'll go over our strengths and explore ways that others have contributed to the overwhelming goodness of God's kingdom on earth.

So. The struggles. And particularly the struggles we don't want to see- the ubiquitous human condition called "Willful Blindness." Otherwise known as refusing to acknowledge what's right in front of your face. Missing the forest for the trees. Sticking your head in the sand.

These are not the areas of darkness we have no clue exist. Willful blindness is first and foremost WILLFUL. Intentionally ignoring something because we don't want to admit that it might just be true. Knowing there might be an issue and refusing to do anything about it. And we all of us do it- for better or worse, it's a coping mechanism. So why do we do it?

• Fear of having to change jobs, relationship status, routines, homes, etc.
• Fear of retribution or personal danger (i.e.- the number one reason people don't call out the mob)
• Apathy
• Disbelief/Overconfidence in humanity- no one could really let things get like that!
• Analysis Paralysis-  conflicting areas of concern may make you feel so paralyzed as to how to react that you simply ignore them both
• Distraction- having too much on your plate may make it easy to jump to another, more pleasant idea or simply force you to think about the next most urgent thing instead
• Lack of knowledge- feeling like you don't know enough to do anything; usually combined with other issues (such as distraction/lack of time to research or fear of what more information might call you to do)
• Lack of integrity- not caring whether your beliefs and your actions/lifestyle are in agreement
• Disbelief in equality of persons- "Who cares what happens to them? They deserve what they get."
• Personal state of mind- when you're overwhelmed by something else in your life, you may be incapable of dealing with any other issues

Once we know why we choose to not explore an issue, and we recognize that not all of them are personal moral failures, we can start to explore some of those areas that we've been intentionally ignoring. It's important to note here, though, that you can acknowledge areas that you've been willfully ignoring without feeling like you need to tackle all of them at once. That would be horribly overwhelming and your burnout would do even less good in the end! Better to start acknowledging one (or two or five or...) and then pick just one issue to explore. If you find that it leads you into another area of blindness, and you have the energy to explore that, then continue on! But also feel good that you've started, no matter how quickly you move forward.

With that mindset of new beginnings, we started our list modeled after the El Salvadorian subversive cross- things that we know are problems but might be willfully ignoring. Our list is ongoing- I want you to keep adding to it as you see issues, any time you feel the urge. Whether or not you can take action on the issue at this moment of time, simply writing the word for others to see might just encourage and inspire them to take a stand (for an example of this, click on the video below). Recognition is always the first step forward!

If you'd like to do a bit more exploring on the subject of willful blindness and the positive pieces of this challenge, I invite you to watch this short clip from an interview with the ever-brilliant Margaret Heffernan. She does a great job of explaining how tackling the challenges might not be as hard as we think!

And, as always, I invite you to get together with me outside of youth group to go over things we that you have questions about, want more information on, or simply need a set-apart time to process!

5 Minutes of God Time: The Cave by Mumford and Sons