So, what is envy? In youth group, we started with some definitions simply because academic and theological discussions make some distinctions in terminology that could make further research a little hairy- unless you know the terms! Though the definitions aren't required for our discussions, you might still be interested to know that academically:
- Jealousy - The fear of losing something that you feel already belongs to you.
- Covetousness - The desire for that which is not yours and is not meant to be yours; covetousness is rooted in desire to possess or own the object/person, regardless of how many others might also own such a thing.
- Envy - The desire for that which is not yours and the begrudging of the person who actually possesses it; envy is focused on the distribution of goods, not just in the owning of said "good" (the "good" could be a person, a skill, an object, etc.), and the envious person is willing to harm another in order to achieve their goal.
Envy ---- Contentment ----- Complacency
Wanting to be someone you are not is a waste of the person you are. - Kurt Cobain
The secular view of envy is that it can be advisable depending on what sort of actions it encourages. The sacred view is surprisingly closer to that of Nirvana's front-man because we are not called to use someone else's life as a measuring stick for our own; we're called to use God's plan for us as our guide. Even if envy causes you to become a well respected doctor, if God created you to be a farmer or a pastor or a _____, you are choosing to NOT fill the necessary role for which you were created. You are, in effect, choosing to make it harder for God's perfect kingdom to exist. And you've replaced what is best, what is perfect, with what is only good, showing a lack of trust and gratitude for God's provision and plan for your life.
Liddell and Abrams are both lauded for their achievements in the movie, but they show an important distinction in motivation. Striving for excellence that comes with recognition and status isn't necessarily envy (or pride), but your satisfaction with what you've accomplished depends on your reasons for doing so. Abrams envied the respect and recognition that came with winning; he wouldn't run if he didn't think he could win. He feared the idea of someone else taking that place, and even when he won, he didn't feel secure. Liddell also achieved greatness, but he wasn't running solely to win. He ran because he felt God's pleasure when doing so, and his excellence was a result of doing what made him feel close to God. And it's worth noting that his gold medal came in an event that he wasn't originally scheduled to compete in- he ran a longer race because he refused to compromise his convictions and run the trials for his chosen event on the Sabbath.
Cinderella and Snow White
These Disney princesses are classic victims of envy. The evil queen literally poisoned Snow White because she envied her beauty, while Cinderella's step sisters feared that her beauty and charm would outshine their own; they locked her up in order to keep her from having a shot at the man they wanted to claim for themselves. The point to make here is that envy stems from a sense of worthlessness or inferiority, of being less than the person you envy; you don't envy those that you feel are beneath your status or worth. The biggest problem with this is that it denies that there's value and beauty in being different- any difference is simply being better or worse than the other person, rather than acknowledging and being grateful for the fact that we all have different roles and skills.
Comparison is the thief of joy - Theodore Roosevelt
Envy requires comparison- your sense of self-worth is bound up in whether your position in life is better off or worse off than someone else. But since there will always be someone better looking, smarter, richer, more popular, etc. than you, falling into envy's trap of relative worth (comparison) is a zero-win game.
Plastic Praise, Ulterior Motives, and "One-up"Manship
These are three ways you can spot envy. Plastic praise is when you try to bring down another person's contributions or attributes (like the backhanded compliment or the "she's great, but..." compliment). Ulterior motives, of course, mean denying another person's good works or character by assigning a negative motivation to it (you can see this in the comments about Odin Lloyd's mother, Ursula Ward, who forgave her son's murderer, Aaron Hernandez). And we are all familiar with the person who has to "one-up" every story or accomplishment ("You got into college? That's great! Did I tell you about the 4 Ivy League schools I was accepted into?").
You've finally gotten the opportunity to direct your school's fall play! This is the highest honor your theater department could give you, and after three years of learning the ropes and never missing a practice, you can't wait to show everyone how great the production will be with you at the helm. That is, until the new kid shows up that first day having directed not one, but TWO fall plays at his old school. He's undeniably talented, probably more so than you are, and your department's chair asks you to co-direct the play with him. How could they be so unjust as to just hand him a co-director title when you've put in so much work to get there???
Envy often hides itself in the idea of justness or fairness in an attempt to make your feelings OK (i.e. "He's not the nicest person, so he doesn't deserve those skills" or "I'd be even better than her if I'd only had the opportunity." Envy makes us forget that God doesn't give us all the same skills and opportunities because he hasn't created us all for the same role. The biblical parable that goes along with this idea can be found in Matthew chapter 20, when the vineyard workers all receive the same wage after having worked very different amounts of time. Though the original workers would have been very happy with their promised wage, they envy the same wage being offered to someone they feel is less deserving of it.
Whenever you go over to your friend's house, her home is spotless, her mom has baked cookies, and their walls are lined with their family's smiling faces standing in front of World Heritage sites. Your mom, on the other hand, never spontaneously bakes you cookies- she works long hours, and your family never has the money to take big vacations. You know your mom loves you and she tries her best, but you begin to feel frustrated at the opportunities your friend has that you don't. One night when you get home from your friend's house, your mom asks you to do the dishes and you just let loose, telling her in no uncertain terms what you think about your life- or lack thereof.
Envy breeds discontentment with what you have, and discontentment breeds resentment. Resentment at its most basic form is ingratitude, and especially in this instance, is very hurtful to the one who is trying her best to provide for you (the same could be said of God in the bigger picture). If the two most important commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself, it's not hard to see that resentment (and the envy that started it) harm our ability to love. Extra credit for recognizing that resentment and envy put a fog over your ability to see that your current situation is a training ground for future accomplishments.
Kiley feels called to go into counseling, and she decides to go for her Master's Degree in family therapy. Her sister-in-law, Elisa, has always been more academically successful than her- and she suddenly starts question her decision to NOT attend graduate school (even though she has always said that she wouldn't apply for grad school unless she had a clear reason to). Elisa decides she WILL find and be accepted into a PhD program that would interest her, even though she was happy with her life before finding out Kiley's news. Is this envy?
You bet it is! Elisa is attempting to undermine Kiley's achievements by making her own achievements bigger and better. She allows the fear of being seen as "less than" make her discontent, and envy unbalanced the perceived scales of acknowledgement. And when we talk about envy being willing to harm another in order to be "better than" or to have the good/skill/person they so desire, it's not always about maliciously attacking or sabotaging them: sometimes it can be intentionally outshining them, intentionally making them appear or feel second best. When your goal is to have more ____ than someone else, you can bet than envy's got its claws in you.
Haters Gonna Hate
There are two types of envy: that of a particular person (I envy Susie her ____) and that of a whole group (I envy those trust fund babies). Sometimes envy begins in one category and seeps into another, and sometimes they can be kept completely separate. But you can bet that once you've allowed one to go unchecked, you will find more and more people or reasons to envy than you had to begin with!
Complacency vs. Contentment
Complacency: self-satisfaction, especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. It's a form of willful blindness.
Contentment: gratitude for the blessings you've received and focus on the good in your current situation (even if you'd be happy not to stay there forever). For reference: Phil. 4:11-13.
So how do we cultivate the virtue of contentment?
- Call your sins out for what they are- envy is the least likely of the sins to be confessed, which makes it almost impossible to treat!
- Remember that envy is like rust- it eats away at something until you barely even have the shell of what was once good and whole.
- Also remember that looking on someone and admiring them in such a way that you use them as a role model is not envy. Mother Theresa, for example, can help show us a way to live out our faith in love- wanting to BE her or to outshine her example, however, crosses over into the envy category.
- Philippians 2:3-4: Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourself, look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Want to stop envy? Focus on your own wants a little bit less!
- Intentionally do something good for a person you envy- something that CANNOT be traced back to you, so there can be no sense of personal gain in it
- Spend some time doing something that brings you joy without seeking after accolade (like running because you feel God’s pleasure when you do, not because you want the medal)
- Cultivate a desire for things that are best shared (not things that are only good when “owned” by a few)
- Rather than focus on what you lack, think through what you do have- touch on each and every thing, and say something positive about it.
- Take some time to reevaluate where you get your worth. And don't just pay lip service to what you know are the expected answers!
- Romans 12:9-10 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Give credit and praise to others as much as you possibly can!
- Remember the biblical example of Jonathan and David- if anyone had a right to hate David, it was Jonathan, not Saul. But Jonathan loved and supported him instead of envying his position and popularity.
- Remember that envy does not follow the commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves. And as 1 John 4:8 points out: Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
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