So what is that so dangerous?
- Lust makes sex into a god, elevating sex and the pursuit of sex into the purpose of our existence. It’s pleasure as an idol, instead of rightly recognized as a gift from God.
- It’s putting our wants before someone else’s NEEDS, like the need to be in a passionate AND fulfilling relationship. We turn people into objects of desire- desirable, yes, but they’re still objects, not multi-faceted people.
- And when we put lust above all else, we run the risk of harming friendships, having a me-first attitude, and acting in ways that we will regret. Think “Bull in a china shop.” The oxytocin rush we get when we “fall in love” is like a drug- it can be addicting if you don’t know how to keep it in check, and if you’re not aware of its potential influence, it can encourage you to do things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later on. And this is just the “love” chemical- not the hormones that get raging when your body picks up cues that baby-making might be in the near future.
- Worst of all, it doesn’t actually satisfy our sexual urges- if anything, it’s adding fuel to the unsatisfied fire. Seeking after a thrill almost always requires an even bigger or different thrill in the future (after all, thrills become boring when they’re commonplace).
So to help us figure out what a good sexual response might be, we should start with the question: What’s the purpose of sex?
- Procreation- This is certainly not the be all, end all of sex, but sex is the only physical act that has this potential outcome. And even if you don't intend to make a baby (or can't), forgetting that sex can and often does have procreation as a result cheapens the importance or seriousness of it. Sex is not a form of entertainment equivalent to watching a movie!
- Pleasure- Biologically speaking, sex is meant to feel good. If you believe that we are created and designed by God, and part of that creation includes pleasure sensors, then it follows that God also intended sex to be pleasurable. So if it's not fun, you need to review why (and how) you're having it.
- Connectedness/bonding- The two become one flesh. Even secular songs sing about loving someone forever- we have a deep desire to be bonded with another who knows your barest parts and loves you anyways. Sexual acts are some of the most intimate, soul-connecting things you can do with another person.
Lust also has 3 parts, or forms, but the thing to note are that all of them are focused on directing
sexual energy at the wrong person, or at the wrong time- or for the wrong
reason. It's also important to remember that temptation is different than sin- or as Thomas Merton said, you
can’t stop the birds from flying overhead, but you can stop them from building
a nest in your hair.
Thoughts: “It’s
not the first look that gets us in trouble.” – Billy Graham.
It’s not the first
thought that gets us in trouble, either. An errant, “Wow, she’s hot!” about a stranger isn’t
lust. But dwelling on that attractiveness, imagining what a sex
life with her would be like, creating images in your head about what it would be like… well, now we’ve moved far past an errant thought!
You can be completely celibate and still be a raging lust machine in your head.
Sexual thoughts are not necessarily bad. But when they're not directed in appropriate ways, they can jeopardize your relationships and/or change your goals. Some sexual thoughts that always require you to take a step back include: someone you don’t know/won’t know (like a celebrity),
someone you do know but can’t have (such as a teacher or someone married), someone who isn’t your spouse or
spouse-to-be (you're getting ahead of yourself here!), something that would be an unpleasant sexual experience for the
other person, or a fantasy that is meant only to create further lustful
thoughts/actions, instead of satisfaction or connection (like watching porn).
It’s important to remember that the problem of dwelling on
sexualized images, for example, is that we’re not really concerned with the other
person’s greater good, their thoughts and goals and faith and family. We’ve
turned them into what amounts to an object that gratifies our sexual desires.
And any time we dehumanize someone by turning them into an object, we dehumanize a
part of ourselves, too.
Words: Indulging
in a little verbal “word play” seems pretty innocent. Words are powerful,
though, especially since they can stir up the thoughts and encourage actions. Indiscriminate
flirting, sexting, reading hyper-sexualized books/articles, and discussing
sexual exploits might seem simple enough- you’re not actually acting on them,
so what’s the harm? First- remember that the more we put something in front of
us, the more “normalized” it becomes. The more you talk about or read things that encourage specific types of sexuality, the
more it seems like everyone is doing it and doing it in that way (even if they’re
not and even if you wouldn't have given it a passing thought otherwise). Second, words often involve another person, which means that it’s no
longer just about your reactions. Your job as a Christian, in all areas of
life, is to love your neighbor as yourself- which also means not causing unnecessary
distress and frustration. When your words might create longings in someone else
that you can’t both feel 100% good about them satisfying, you’ve created unnecessary
angst or suffering in the world, even if it’s on a miniscule scale. And I can't think of a single bible verse that tells you to make another person miserable.
Actions: This is
the obvious one, right? Lust takes physical form- Sexual acts, ranging from
sending graphic pictures to the act of intercourse, require an intentional
movement from thought to completion. Sometimes lustful actions are thought out
for a long period of time, sometimes they’re completely impulsive- but for you
to engage in them, you have to be a willing participant (key note: if you're not a willing participant, YOU are not engaging in lust). Assuming consent, your brain has moved from just the thought of doing something to the act of doing it. What distinguishes good sex from lust is that it doesn't keep those original three purposes in mind- lust is trying to fulfill an animalistic urge for pleasure and nothing else. It might show up as abuse, incest,
adultery, rape, or, more commonly, sexual acts without thought for the long-term
consequences (physical, emotional, or spiritual) or sex without the commitment
of marriage (Why? You’re focusing on the pleasure, rather than worrying about the bond it
creates).
We often talk about Christian repression of sexuality, as though
any urge we have is a good one to pursue and denial of those urges makes us Christians into
sex-fearing prudes. But is that fair? When we let sexual urges take over, unchecked, what might
we end up with? One night stands that turned into not-so-loving marriages or
co-parenting gigs, sexual abuse, STDs that maybe can be treated (we've come a long way from STDs being death sentences, but they're not all curable), Anthony Weiner, Bill
Clinton, "johns" who buy sex, teachers who have sex with students, Samson (and Delilah), David (and Bathsheba),
Solomon (and his 1000+ wives and concubines). When we look at some of the above examples, can we agree that there
are times when sexual desire needs to be repressed a bit? I think so!
But what is right sexuality? What is lust's virtue?
But what is right sexuality? What is lust's virtue?
Chastity:
Chastity is not a fear of sex, not frigidity or passionless-ness, not
even necessarily celibacy- it’s knowing that there’s a right place and a right
time for the passion of sex, and working with your natural
desires within that framework. It’s a work of heart, rather than a set of rules (because again, when God controls your life, you are willing to bend
with His desires rather than cram yourself into someone else’s mold).
So how do you practice chastity when temptation threatens to
overwhelm you?
- Remember that temptation, longing, and desire are a part of life- it’s what you do with it that matters!
- Redirect your thoughts! When you find yourself struggling with desires that can’t be appropriately fulfilled right at this point in time, distract yourself. One recovering sex addict has encouraged others to try something along the lines of, “Wow, that’s a beautiful woman! Thank you, God, for making such a beautiful woman. I love you, God. I also love my wife. I love my children. I love my home that I share with them. I really enjoy gardening in my back yard…” And by that point, he’s distracted himself enough that he’s no longer thinking about the woman who would have triggered his lust and inappropriateness in the past. Thomas Merton, a celibate monastic, discussed desire for someone as being like looking at a piece of art. You can appreciate it, you can be glad it was created, but you don’t feel the need to possess it, to have it be yours alone.
- Pursue other passions- you can’t get rid of things you don’t want in your life simply by squashing them until they no longer exist; like Hydra, they have a way of coming back in even worse ways. Instead, you need to replace them with other things you DO want! Build up, rather than tearing down. Or, as Phillipians 4:8 tells us: Focus on what’s good and right and pure and holy. When your life is filled with good things, you don’t miss the not-so-good.
- Song of Songs 8:4- Don’t awaken or arouse love before it’s time. Intentionally pursuing sexual thoughts and actions before they can be sated is a recipe for misery and hypocrisy. For every kind of sin, the more you think about doing it, the more likely you are to actually do it. For lust, this might mean avoiding certain tv shows, certain websites, or certain kinds of music. The key to success here? You have to actually want to avoid these issues- if you’re not sure, lust will creep back in.
- Ask yourself: What am I willing to sacrifice in order to achieve my pleasure fix? Does pursuig my desire hurt someone else? In-person situations require thinking through possible outcomes (not just of this act, but of the relationship potential in general). When you’re looking at sexualized images or listening to songs, etc., ask yourself “Is this something I would be proud of my cousin for doing? Do I think he’s fulfilling his highest calling? Or would I try to talk my friends out of doing something similar?” If you wouldn’t support someone you know and love doing it, then why are you supporting (by watching) someone else’s friend/child/cousin doing it?
- Spend a little time thinking about how you can have the best “sexual life” possible for the stage of life you’re in now. Invite God into this conversation- what would be the best way to honor His gift of both passionate urges and sexual pleasure? If you’re dating someone, what might chastity look like? If you’re single, what how might it play out? Once you’ve thought about values you want to hold tight, take action- maybe you tell a friend that you don’t want to keep rehashing her dates, maybe you install a filter on your computer to bar certain sites or images, or find a very trustworthy accountabilibuddy to help you think through some issues. Remember, this isn't about not having any emotions or passions- it's about making sure they don't assert control over you. Once you've made sure you have a God-reinforced framework, you can let loose and enjoy!
Scenarios (think them through- are they examples of lust or chastity? Answer key at the bottom- feel free to disagree with it if you like, as long as you think through WHY you disagree!):
- Your chest tightens up and you feel butterflies in your stomach- maybe, just maybe, today that cutie will actually come and ask your name rather than just smile at you from across the room.
- Beep, Beep, Beep! You’ve got another text from your boyfriend, detailing, explicitly, all the ways he’ll kiss you (or more) the next time he sees you. Maybe you’ll step into the hall to read this one, just in case mom looks over your shoulder!
- 50 Shades of Gray
- You’ve been dating this girl and you think she might be “the one.” You’ve even started to look at rings. As you imagine your future together, you’re VERY much looking forward to a future wedding night!
- You’ve got a new crush. He’s not like your last crush- this one is Mr. Perfect! You know you share at least some common interests or else you wouldn’t have met, so you’re pretty sure you’d be a great match. You imagine the specifics of dating, getting married, having kids; you think about him all the time, talk about (but not to) him all the time. Maybe someday he’ll ask you out!
- Your otherwise normal dream shifts and suddenly you’re doing things with that hottie that you would NOT be doing with her in real life.
- You’re bored in class and so you start daydreaming about that explicit sex dream you had last night.
- After an excellent date, you find yourself remembering what your goodnight kiss felt like.
- Your friend left their browser open when you came over- and you notice a bit more nudity on the screen than you’re used to seeing. You find yourself shifting your neck a bit in order to catch another glimpse.
- Your boyfriend got into a car accident, and has some pretty severe injuries. He will likely walk with a limp for the rest of his life, and he's got some big scars. You decide that it doesn’t matter what he looks like, you’ve been so impressed with how he’s dealt with this tragedy that you’re not going anywhere.
1. Chastity (Every relationship starts somewhere- and excitement is NOT a sin!) 2. Lust (Can you feel 100% good about following through on what he's suggesting? Probably not, if you're hiding it from Mom.) 3. Lust (The entire series is meant to stir up sexual desires with some rather explicit imagery). 4. Chastity (This is an example of passion and desire in the right context- there's nothing wrong with passionate urges, they just need to be fulfilled at the right time) 5. Lust (You're not seeing him as a whole human, nor are you taking the time to find out what HE wants- he's become an object for your fantasy future) 6. Chastity (Assuming you're not intentionally trying to stir them up, even the early church fathers didn't see sex dreams as sin, no matter what happens in them; you don't have full control over your mental state when you're asleep) 7. Lust (You've moved from unintentional to intentional- and you're probably daydreaming about things that wouldn't be 100% OK to fulfill at this stage in life) 8. Chastity (Assuming that goodnight kiss was with someone appropriate!) 9. Lust (You're intentionally seeking another look, right? And you're doing it covertly, so you're probably aware that it's not good sexuality; it's pursuing the single story and turning him/her into an object). 10. Chastity (You're seeing him as more than just a source of potential sexual pleasure, and honoring his whole person)
There are lots of variations on those scenarios- they're really just to get you thinking, and hopefully avoiding the lust-frigidity dichotomy! After all, if sexuality was only ever fun when it's new or potentially going to get you in trouble, there wouldn't really be any reason for people to seek out marriage, would there? And remember: you shouldn't fear sex or passion or desire, nor worry that simply having an inappropriate thought is a sin- it's what you do with them that counts! God gave us sex and an interest in it for a reason- but just as you wouldn't put a candy cane in an Easter basket, some gifts have a best time and place. :)
Please take the next couple minutes and think through the final question in the "suggestions" bullet points- What would a good, God-honoring sexuality look like for you at this point in your life? You can use the following 5 Minutes of God Time song as your background:
A Thousand Years (Christina Perri cover by The Piano Guys)
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