Expectations

We all feel the pressure of lots of expectations in our lives- some are given to us by others (parents, friends, teachers, society, etc.) and some are ones we put on ourselves. We also know that some of them are good and healthy and some are not so good (whether it's because they're not-so-healthy or because they're just not right for us). Sometimes they're in conflict and are only "negative" until they're sorted out (for example, you're inclined to follow your friends expectations for post-homecoming recreation, while your parents expect you to come home instead). And sometimes, the biggest issue is simply that the expectations, while good, are unrealistic.

So what we need to figure out is how to prioritize them- which ones do we give the most energy and attention to, and which ones do we ignore (or at least, push to the back burner until we get the important ones under control)? In youth group, we listed a bunch of expectations: straight A's, college, knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life, romantic/physical relationships, loyalty to friends, job description, availability/scheduling (for extracurriculars and work), legal requirements, curfew, chores.

But this list is neither exclusive nor exhaustive, so it's important that we don't just rank what's on there. What we need to do is start figuring out how to question these expectations within a framework of faith, so we can have an understanding of priorities that can move with us throughout our lives.

During youth group we read and discussed several bible verses:

For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses himself?(Luke 9:25)

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”(James 4:13-15)

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Luke 10:27)

 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (Romans 12:1-2)

And as we discussed at the very start, I promised that I would give you a little firmer direction on the blog- questions to ask, things to remember, etc. So without further ado, a Four Step Program (with thoughts in parentheses):

Step 1: Name them! What are these expectations?

Vague expectations almost always bring anxiety! Whether the murkiness is with your parents or just in your head, it's worth it to clarify what they really are; only then you can actually agree or disagree. Either way, you're more likely to like the outcome if your actions are made with all the information. FYI, in the grander scheme of society, there’s a lot of money to be made in “vague expectations,” because you keep searching for the next thing, degree, etc. to make it all make sense!

Step 2: Where do these messages come from? 

Is the expectation your own idea (and where did you first get it?), is it from a parent or teacher, or is it from society? Knowing where it comes from can help you prioritize. And keep in mind that with technology, we have more “scripts” and expectations thrown at us than ever before, which can give rise to FOMO (fear of missing out) and can heighten unrealistic expectations.

Step 3: Why do you have them/why do they “stick?” How can you deal with them?

Is the expectation:

• Required? (mandatory school, living with parents, etc.)
• Because you want approval/to be liked?
• Because you have a “fear of missing out?”
• Because you're afraid that you’ll regret it if you do something different? (It’s just what people do! They wouldn't do it this way if there were a better way!)    
• Because you're afraid you’ll regret it if you do what others expect? (Bucking the "norm" only for the sake of being different, not because different is actually better.)

Step 4: What now?

  1. Recognize that you CANNOT do it all.

a. There are only 24 hours in a day (and yes, Mother Theresa and Albert Einstein had the same amount of time as you, but even they couldn’t be BOTH Mother Theresa AND Albert Einstein!)

b. For absolutely every decision you make, you are excluding other options (watching TV means you're not volunteering or sleeping or giving all your attention to your homework; my decision to write this post means I'm not doing something else, etc.)

c. Allow yourself time- you will not accomplish everything you want RIGHT NOW, but you can be satisfied if you’re working towards it rather than being stunted by how much is left to do.

2. Clarify where you can (with yourself and with others, to make sure you’re not creating unnecessary conflict) 
3. Determine the relative importance in these expectations (what MUST you do vs. what’s great if you can pull it off) and focus on the most important. Maybe you need to write it down to make sure the important stuff actually gets scheduled in.

Final Questions: The Faith Test

a. Does Scripture offer wisdom or commandment on this issue? Remember to put your faith requirements first; focusing out the external things first can leave you feeling hollowed out, whereas focusing on your internal, spiritual needs can give you the strength and depth to better deal with everything else.

b. Have I spent time with God on this? Prayer is so important- our general requirements are the same, but how it plays out will be different. Each of us has our individual role, and we MUST spend time with God to figure out how he’s designed us.  Otherwise, even when we’re doing something “good,” we’re missing the point of why we’re here.

c. Does fulfilling this expectation bring me closer to God? This one may or may not be obvious right away, but keep a close eye on your desire for a relationship with God. If you’re starting to feel less inclined to pray, read the Bible, or generally have a positive view of God, it’s worth reflecting on what’s changed within your values/expectations/priorities.

 

And we ended with this bible verse:

For I am persuaded beyond doubt that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

 It's a beautiful reminder that even when we get it all wrong (and we will), and even when we feel completely overwhelmed (and we will), God is with us. God LOVES us, just as we are, and we need to give ourselves a measure of grace. We are perfected in God, not in our own actions. It doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for growth, but it does mean we should do so feeling secure in our heavenly value.

Prayer: May God be with you, showing you all you need to know about His vision for your life. May He give you the wisdom you need to make decisions, and the strength you need to follow through. May you place Him first in your life, reveling in the beauty that surrounds you when you are centered in Him. And may everything in your life draw you closer to His kingdom. Amen.

5 Minutes of God Time: Nearer My God To Thee by The Piano Guys