Expectations

We all feel the pressure of lots of expectations in our lives- some are given to us by others (parents, friends, teachers, society, etc.) and some are ones we put on ourselves. We also know that some of them are good and healthy and some are not so good (whether it's because they're not-so-healthy or because they're just not right for us). Sometimes they're in conflict and are only "negative" until they're sorted out (for example, you're inclined to follow your friends expectations for post-homecoming recreation, while your parents expect you to come home instead). And sometimes, the biggest issue is simply that the expectations, while good, are unrealistic.

So what we need to figure out is how to prioritize them- which ones do we give the most energy and attention to, and which ones do we ignore (or at least, push to the back burner until we get the important ones under control)? In youth group, we listed a bunch of expectations: straight A's, college, knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life, romantic/physical relationships, loyalty to friends, job description, availability/scheduling (for extracurriculars and work), legal requirements, curfew, chores.

But this list is neither exclusive nor exhaustive, so it's important that we don't just rank what's on there. What we need to do is start figuring out how to question these expectations within a framework of faith, so we can have an understanding of priorities that can move with us throughout our lives.

During youth group we read and discussed several bible verses:

For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses himself?(Luke 9:25)

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”(James 4:13-15)

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Luke 10:27)

 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (Romans 12:1-2)

And as we discussed at the very start, I promised that I would give you a little firmer direction on the blog- questions to ask, things to remember, etc. So without further ado, a Four Step Program (with thoughts in parentheses):

Step 1: Name them! What are these expectations?

Vague expectations almost always bring anxiety! Whether the murkiness is with your parents or just in your head, it's worth it to clarify what they really are; only then you can actually agree or disagree. Either way, you're more likely to like the outcome if your actions are made with all the information. FYI, in the grander scheme of society, there’s a lot of money to be made in “vague expectations,” because you keep searching for the next thing, degree, etc. to make it all make sense!

Step 2: Where do these messages come from? 

Is the expectation your own idea (and where did you first get it?), is it from a parent or teacher, or is it from society? Knowing where it comes from can help you prioritize. And keep in mind that with technology, we have more “scripts” and expectations thrown at us than ever before, which can give rise to FOMO (fear of missing out) and can heighten unrealistic expectations.

Step 3: Why do you have them/why do they “stick?” How can you deal with them?

Is the expectation:

• Required? (mandatory school, living with parents, etc.)
• Because you want approval/to be liked?
• Because you have a “fear of missing out?”
• Because you're afraid that you’ll regret it if you do something different? (It’s just what people do! They wouldn't do it this way if there were a better way!)    
• Because you're afraid you’ll regret it if you do what others expect? (Bucking the "norm" only for the sake of being different, not because different is actually better.)

Step 4: What now?

  1. Recognize that you CANNOT do it all.

a. There are only 24 hours in a day (and yes, Mother Theresa and Albert Einstein had the same amount of time as you, but even they couldn’t be BOTH Mother Theresa AND Albert Einstein!)

b. For absolutely every decision you make, you are excluding other options (watching TV means you're not volunteering or sleeping or giving all your attention to your homework; my decision to write this post means I'm not doing something else, etc.)

c. Allow yourself time- you will not accomplish everything you want RIGHT NOW, but you can be satisfied if you’re working towards it rather than being stunted by how much is left to do.

2. Clarify where you can (with yourself and with others, to make sure you’re not creating unnecessary conflict) 
3. Determine the relative importance in these expectations (what MUST you do vs. what’s great if you can pull it off) and focus on the most important. Maybe you need to write it down to make sure the important stuff actually gets scheduled in.

Final Questions: The Faith Test

a. Does Scripture offer wisdom or commandment on this issue? Remember to put your faith requirements first; focusing out the external things first can leave you feeling hollowed out, whereas focusing on your internal, spiritual needs can give you the strength and depth to better deal with everything else.

b. Have I spent time with God on this? Prayer is so important- our general requirements are the same, but how it plays out will be different. Each of us has our individual role, and we MUST spend time with God to figure out how he’s designed us.  Otherwise, even when we’re doing something “good,” we’re missing the point of why we’re here.

c. Does fulfilling this expectation bring me closer to God? This one may or may not be obvious right away, but keep a close eye on your desire for a relationship with God. If you’re starting to feel less inclined to pray, read the Bible, or generally have a positive view of God, it’s worth reflecting on what’s changed within your values/expectations/priorities.

 

And we ended with this bible verse:

For I am persuaded beyond doubt that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

 It's a beautiful reminder that even when we get it all wrong (and we will), and even when we feel completely overwhelmed (and we will), God is with us. God LOVES us, just as we are, and we need to give ourselves a measure of grace. We are perfected in God, not in our own actions. It doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for growth, but it does mean we should do so feeling secure in our heavenly value.

Prayer: May God be with you, showing you all you need to know about His vision for your life. May He give you the wisdom you need to make decisions, and the strength you need to follow through. May you place Him first in your life, reveling in the beauty that surrounds you when you are centered in Him. And may everything in your life draw you closer to His kingdom. Amen.

5 Minutes of God Time: Nearer My God To Thee by The Piano Guys

 

September Scads

Scad

noun, Usually, scads

1. Informal. a great number or quantity

 Things *I* think are worth your while to read:

• A short look at 6 people who took an alternative path in order to live out their faith in their day-to-day lives.
• A wise perspective on going to church when you don't feel like it.
• As Christians, we're called to care about creation- and when we do, it's important that we look into our everyday actions to see how they're impacting it. If you're an "average" American, this is your contribution to the California drought.
• Why should you care? Here's one reason.  
• And here's a 15 year old addressing the UN about climate change for the third time. Side note: If you're feeling inadequate because you're older than 15 and you've yet to address the UN even once, please know you're not alone and it doesn't mean you're not also doing something worthwhile. And if you're Pastor Rich reading this, I hope you're fully appreciating this guy's awesome hair.

•  This awesome couple saw a need and filled it (fair warning: only females have this particular need)
• And we'll end with your feel-good story of the day: Lou Xiaoying is a poor Chinese woman who has still somehow managed to save the lives of over 30 abandoned children, even though she never set out to save the world.

We're Back!

We are now back in the swing of Sunday morning youth group, and I'm so excited for it! After a fun Rally Day of games and guidelines (and our 5 Minutes of God Time), we spent our first "real" week thinking both backwards and forwards. We took a few minutes to remember a wonderful woman we lost this last summer, thinking of which words we associated with Terri. All of them were positive-- song, joy, optimism, courage, welcome, Christ-follower-- which is what anyone who knew Terri would expect. This launched us into a discussion about traits and characteristics:

• Some traits are inherent, such as introversion/extroversion or restlessness/placidity (think about how some babies are simply content, while others want to move and explore)
• Some traits are ingrained in us by our families, such as respect for others or neatness
• Others are won by life circumstances, such as needing extraordinary determination to achieve a goal or learning humility the hard way (like Pope Francis)

But why were we talking about this in the first place? Not because we want to make ourselves "perfect" or "fix ourselves"- as children of God, we are already loved in an eternal, divine way that we can do nothing to earn. Our "fix" came through Jesus, and perfection is out of reach for any of us mortals. But even knowing this, we still have an inner need to improve ourselves- we might pray for the patience to deal with a difficult sibling rather than allow our short tempers to continue the conflict or we might search for a silver lining to comfort a hurting friend. And we do this because all of us have seen firsthand how certain behaviors improve (or damage) the world around us. Not surprisingly, many of the traits we gravitate toward are traits recommended by the bible:

Photo by Carmen

I was originally going to list all of our words and link them to specific bible verses. But then I realized that you guys are more than capable of reading the list and then going to www.biblegateway.com and searching for a specific word. Seriously, it's really easy and good practice! :)

Why should you take the (minimal) effort? Because lots of us have a general list of achievements we want to accomplish and many of us have a "Bucket List" of things we want to do before we die- get a medical degree, visit the Eiffel Tower, bungee jump, get a tattoo, whatever. But we don't usually make ourselves a Moral Bucket List- we admire traits in others, but sometimes feel like they are out of reach for us. We might come across someone who is so brilliantly patient that it makes us want to be more patient. We reflect on what sort of dedication a particular teacher showed or admire the confidence of another. But then we leave it at that short-lived admiration and refuse to take the next step.We're missing out on an incredibly important aspect of our lives, one that has a very real impact on those around us (for example: why YOU admire THEM in the first place). Thus, the encouragement to start thinking about what you value in others, what you see as making the world a better place, and then figuring out how it applies best to you.

Now, it's equally important to realize that while you might find every trait on that list to be a good trait, it doesn't mean you have to try to embody them all- or all at once. I love to sing (in private), but I won't be hurt in the slightest if you don't associate the word "song" with me. It won't stop me from singing (again, in private) and it won't stop me from loving that you guys chose that as a word to describe Terri. The word not applying to me doesn't diminish my appreciation for it. You probably feel that way about others on this list. That's fine!

In that spirit, I asked you to write down a few (no more than 5) of those traits, the traits that most stood out to you, the traits you most want to embody (prioritize, people!). Then I asked you to write down ONE step you would take for each of those traits to become more like that kind of person. Maybe you want to be more patient, so you will count to ten before responding to your sibling; maybe you will try to envision the situation from their point of view before responding (patience AND empathy). The traits and the choices are up to you!

And that was it! So tell me: two weeks in, how are you doing on your list?

5 Minutes of God Time: Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets